Support Come and load off your mental struggles
- Thread starter freshVeggie
- Start date
I'm sure you did fine. When will you know something?
Congratulations on the award! The last one I got was 2014/115 Teacher of the Year.
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Thankfully I'm halfway through the work day hahah I hope I can treat myself with Bloodstained later today.
Sounds like a good plan! Hope you enjoy it and that it can get your mind off of things for a while!
Thanks, will trySounds like a good plan! Hope you enjoy it and that it can get your mind off of things for a while!
These past months have been really rough for me haha
On a completely unrelated note.
Do you give money to people begging on the street?
It is something that always eats me away. Just today a little kid was playing around on a metro station, while who I think was his mother was just sitting around. I feel terrible by not giving them money, but I also feel angry that people put their kids to beg while they're just sitting around.
To elaborate more on this (phone signal dies on the metro)
This sight is pretry common, if I gave money to everyone asking any given day I would run out of money pretty quickly. I do give money to people who are quite clearly struggling, like migrants ( I happen to work near a popular migrant stop) , but I feel like an asshole for 'choosing winners and losers'.
There's also the fact that a lot of these people use their kids so they can slack away.
Do you give money to people begging on the street?
It is something that always eats me away. Just today a little kid was playing around on a metro station, while who I think was his mother was just sitting around. I feel terrible by not giving them money, but I also feel angry that people put their kids to beg while they're just sitting around.
To elaborate more on this (phone signal dies on the metro
)This sight is pretry common, if I gave money to everyone asking any given day I would run out of money pretty quickly. I do give money to people who are quite clearly struggling, like migrants ( I happen to work near a popular migrant stop) , but I feel like an asshole for 'choosing winners and losers'.
There's also the fact that a lot of these people use their kids so they can slack away.
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Alright, I have deleted some of the underaged Indonesian contacts on my phone. Also, I am looking up my college's website about counseling hours so that I can see one for the fall semester. And I moved on to some Indonesian women that I was obsessed with online.
I'm scared as hell that the counselor will be uncomfortable with my attraction of underage Indonesian girls but I will try my best to be brave.
I'm scared as hell that the counselor will be uncomfortable with my attraction of underage Indonesian girls but I will try my best to be brave.
My mom always tell me to ignore them because some of the homeless people can be wicked.On a completely unrelated note.
Do you give money to people begging on the street?
It is something that always eats me away. Just today a little kid was playing around on a metro station, while who I think was his mother was just sitting around. I feel terrible by not giving them money, but I also feel angry that people put their kids to beg while they're just sitting around.
To elaborate more on this (phone signal dies on the metro
This sight is pretry common, if I gave money to everyone asking any given day I would run out of money pretty quickly. I do give money to people who are quite clearly struggling, like migrants ( I happen to work near a popular migrant stop) , but I feel like an asshole for 'choosing winners and losers'.
There's also the fact that a lot of these people use their kids so they can slack away.
You're making the right moves by removing those contacts. Realizing that it's a problem and seeking advice/help is a huge first step.
You shouldn't be scared of the counselor being uncomfortable. I know it's not an everyday conversation that someone has but it's their job to listen and provide assistance if possible so hopefully they'll be professional and work with you. You can do this!
Because yesterday was a national holiday, i was literally the only person at work today. (i guess it can't be ruled out there was another lost soul or two on one of the other 8 floors and 2 buildings.
With essentially no work todo, I rebooted a print server and pushed out an AutoCAD update in between spending 8 hours rereading the entirety of Blame! and looking at hentai.
Mood:
Please don't make me feel like shit for wanting to help¿?
And one time it was literally just a scammer. How do i know? Because they approached me the following day again with the same spiel about "having lost their wallet and needing money to take the bus home".
With essentially no work todo, I rebooted a print server and pushed out an AutoCAD update in between spending 8 hours rereading the entirety of Blame! and looking at hentai.
Mood:
I've done it a few times and have regretted it literally every time, because these people were always surprisingly rude once i did, essentially telling me to give them more or to fuck off,On a completely unrelated note.
Do you give money to people begging on the street?
It is something that always eats me away. Just today a little kid was playing around on a metro station, while who I think was his mother was just sitting around. I feel terrible by not giving them money, but I also feel angry that people put their kids to beg while they're just sitting around.
To elaborate more on this (phone signal dies on the metro
This sight is pretry common, if I gave money to everyone asking any given day I would run out of money pretty quickly. I do give money to people who are quite clearly struggling, like migrants ( I happen to work near a popular migrant stop) , but I feel like an asshole for 'choosing winners and losers'.
There's also the fact that a lot of these people use their kids so they can slack away.
Please don't make me feel like shit for wanting to help¿?
And one time it was literally just a scammer. How do i know? Because they approached me the following day again with the same spiel about "having lost their wallet and needing money to take the bus home".
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Struggling with this thread as well tbh.
Kinda wanna write more, but i don't wanna make the thread about myself.
Especially as i also feel rather incapable of responding to others and their worries, giving off the Impression that i don't care? Grrr
Kinda wanna write more, but i don't wanna make the thread about myself.
Especially as i also feel rather incapable of responding to others and their worries, giving off the Impression that i don't care? Grrr
don't worry about it, man ... this thread is specifically here for people to make it about themselves
Well if you say so.don't worry about it, man ... this thread is specifically here for people to make it about themselves
I might just write an entire autobiography
not like anyone can stop youWell if you say so.
I might just write an entire autobiography
haha
So, it all began when i was Born.
My parents were both working class and divorced since i can remember. It was... not pretty.
One of my earliest memories is my dad being dragged out from our home by a squad of policemen he was attempting to fight of just a few minutes earlier.
My mom became a depressed, jobless do-nothing sleeping up to 16 hours a day and my dad an alcoholic. Also, both of them in debt and poor. What does poverty mean in this case? We did had a home, social security systems be blessed, but we didn't always had food, so i not-so-fondly remember having to ask neighbours at times if they had oven fries or some potatoes left to spare.
I was staying with my mom and occasionally visited my dad over the weekend which i pretty much always dreaded. On the best days me and my dad would just watch an endless cascade of pirated movies together with him occasionally trying to parent me by telling me that he'd beat the ever living shit out of me if i ever did drugs or other such things. High quality parenting.
On the worst of days, i could watch my dad strangle a dude over owing him money, or my dad having a destructive meltdown wrecking his home, usually about new warnings for not paying bills.
My mom was alright i guess, in the way that she usually didn't abuse me and just didn't do like, anything at all. She was just neglectful.
The biggest issue with hers was that she was, in fact, stealing from me. Because we were poor, she sometimes stole my things, such as the few non-pirated Videogames i had and took them to a pawn shop, where they would stay forever, which is, i guess, why i still have issues trusting people with my property, or her at all.
Since i was a tech obsessed kid i got my hands onto moms phone occasionally and saw these pretty messages he was leaving her when he was drunk, about how he wants to rape her dead and behead me. This then retroactively explained the sudden "Play Dates" my mom arranged with a classmates family that always had to be attented to immediately to the point she was hitting me if i didn't wanted to go. What i haven't said yet, my father is indeed a convicted murderer. Prior to my birth he was in jail for killing someone. And this is also very much related to the worst day i've ever had with my dad.
Let me explain the setup: I was staying over at my dads again, watching movies together i think.
A few weekends Prior to that, we did the same, and my mom had lend my dad money to afford lunch for me while i was staying over with him.
So we were watching movies, and my mom called me, explained that to me, and told me i should ask my dad if he could give me the money she lend him prior. This, did not went over well. My dad became incredibly ticked off as these words left my mouth, he began by crying(??), calling me a "traitor" and asked how i could do such a thing to him (??), then he went more and more angry. Planting his fist against things over and over again. I silently said that he is scaring me, and his response was to tell me to stfu and to sit down.
Then he went on an almost endless rant about me and my mom, where i also found out that i'm apparently not even his child because my mom became pregnant while he was in jail. So for that matter, i have never actually met my biological dad. I never told my mom about this, and i don't think she knows that i know, and i honestly don't plan on ever talking with her about that.
That was the last time i ever met my "dad". I pretty much broke off all contant since. This all happened up until i was ~12 or ~13 years old.
Why she still allowed or rather even forced me to visit my dad when he wrote about beheading me is beyond me, but then again neither of the two were exactly rational or intelligent people.
That's it for my parents, for now. More on that later.
While all of that happened, i was going to School as kids tend to do. Unfortunatly, my elementary school teacher was an evil bitch and i had behaviour Problems because of my parents, bad mix.
Admitetly, i did screw up at times, but my teacher was a wannabe nazi and loved to punish students.
Eventually, me and the teacher spiraled out of control and i was moved to a different "School" in 2nd or 3rd grade. A "School and therapeutic day care facility" for that matter. There i was diagnosed with an undisclosed psychosis and put on risperidone for the next few years. The time there was alright otherwise. After my therapy in that facility had ended i was moved to a new, okay School and finished elementary.
In between all these things i also once witnessed a women beating a dog to death with a hockey bat which isn't related to anything in particular but still traumatized me and shaped my world view strongly.
Qeue, middle/highschool (the german School system is hard to explain).
Probably broke a record somewhere by being thrown out of school entirely within a short 2 days.
Got into a fight with another studend, teacher entered, i kinda ended up fighting the teacher as well. You know how it is.
Then i was sent to a new school. Another therapeutic one, but not really.
It was a school made for people with troubled background such as myself.
There people tried to bully me, but since i wasn't one to put up with shit i got into a lot of fighs instead.
I won some, i lost some. sometimes i went home suspended from school, sometimes with a bloody nose. blablabla.
The bullying in the school was real fucking bad, but since i managed to earn some respect for myself by fighting back, people stopped bullying me quickly, but that didn't mean i didn't still got into fights. In regards to how bad the bullying was, one of my class"mates" there later on was permently suspended because he raped a childs face.
In the first 2 years on that School i
was pushed in front of a car (broken collarbone)
Got pushed down stairs (broken wrist)
Got my ankle broken in a fight.
Broke some noses and i think a wrist as well?
i pulled the Schools firealaram twice.
Jumped on a guy running away from me, resulting in us both breaking through a glass door (our arms were covered in shard-pellets after)
Did lots and lots of vandalism on school and out of school property.
I repeatedly hit my teacher. (Who was a POS and actively excused and encouraged bullying, i ain't feeling no guilt or shame about punching him).
Once spit him in the face.
Got into trouble with the police a few times.
Learned how to shoplift.
I think you get the gist. i was suspended a lot.
Eventually, i got into a fight, i think i talked about this in my first post ITT, where he drew a knife and i drew a knife and thankfully it didn't end as badly as this potentially could have. But because of that, i was suspended from that school as well, permanently.
So, between 7th and 8th grade, i literally did not went to school.
Eventually i was "approached" with an "idea", what this actually meant was more therapy i did not consent to, regardless of wether or not i wanted.
So most of my 8th grade was spent in an honest to god psychatry.
There i was put back on risperidone that i had stopped taking at some point and got prozac in addition.
I started out on an open Station, which meant you could leave the building at specific times (Not the entire complex-area tho, there were guards and fences and shit.) There i met my first girlfriend lisa who had hallucinations. Was a nice Girl tho.
Anyways, open station was okay, but there again i got into fights with staff and these fights usually ended with security guards pushing me to the ground, a doctor injecting sedatives into me and me then being locked away in a padded cell for the next few hours.
Eventually, it Kind of happened that i beat up the leader of the entire psychatry.
In response to that, i was moved to a closed station. That wasn't so pretty, doors were locked at all times, including our bedrooms at night, which essentially meant to me that this was a prison in pretty colors. One day was especially bad, becaue i, again, got into a fight, and as punishment, i was chained onto a fixbed the entire night.
Eventually i broke out of psychatry once (less thrilling than it sounds really), was moved back there and got it done to the point i was considered healed enough or some shit (Not like i know because no one ever told me anything) and allowed to return to school. I have lots of funny stories to tell from the psychatry like the time another patient mixed rat poison into my food, but i don't wanna bloat the post even further.
Anyways, returned back to school and had a decent time actually. My teacher Ms. Peters was a goddess and my classmates were alright. I mean, one of them shot a pregnant woman at some point, but they were nice to me, that's what mattered.
Finished that School and got into Highschool?college?Idk!
There i quickly met my BFF and we were almost inseperable for the next few years, talking daily in and out of Schools, playing vidya etc, was a great time.
Not so great was the new boyfriend my mom had. He was incredibly abusive as well, they were constantly fighting, almost daily, occasionally he beat her up, once he beat me up, in my own bedroom no less. Tried to get them to seperate but couldn't because my shit mom always returned back to him in a matter of days. Eventually i decided to not let them ruin my life any further and stayed out of their conflicts entirely.
But hey, there's always more than one way to ruin my life!
Close to the end of college, me and my BFF (who was a few years older than me because he went to the navy before going to college) were playing some vidya until 4 or what in the morning. Because of that, i decided to skip college that day, and so did he. Then i got a message from another classmate, telling me that my teacher is ranting about how he's going to make an example of me for skipping class so often. I and my BFF talked about this and that via chat for a while. Eventually he stopped responding and i didn't thought much of it and went on with my day.
The next day i came to college, and the same teacher that was supposedly ranting about me just one day earlier, approached me with a serious face "we need to talk" he said. So, shit in my pants, i thought, oh boy, now he's gonna do it! He told me to take the other classmates waiting in the classroom and bring them to the library. I was very confused at that point. Did he want to humiliate me in front of class???
So, we were there, all sitting in that little library, until the teacher came in with another guy i hadn't ever seen before (something called an "emotional Support teacher" as i later found out) and there they told us the worst news of my life, our classmate, my BFF, has died.
The entire room went silent, followed up with shocked questions. Apparently, he wasn't allowed to tell us, but he told us anyways, the cause was suicide. hanging, as i later found out from my BFF's parents. Eventually the questions turned silent, and we all began to cry. Then we stopped. Then we cried again. Then we went home. I cried again, but under the shower.
Immediately, i skipped 4 more days of college. Didn't even got a rant from the teacher for it, i guess he understood the situation.
Eventually, the parents gave us redacted copies of his goodbye letter where he had written lines for each and everyone of us, i still have my copy and i value it a lot, a lot, a lot. Towards the end of college we all completely stopped hanging out because of it, and never really talked with each other again.
Then i got a Job after a short time of joblessness, moved out and the rest i already talked about in here more or less.
Still don't have contact with my dad, the relationship between me and my mom is still disfunctional and i never met a friend like that again.
Not sure if anyone's actually gonna read through all of that, but if you do, thank you, it was carthatic to write it anyways.
To be honest, i generally dislike to talk about my past for plenty of reasons, some people would probably say i'm making this up, some would probably see me as a psycho about to murder them in their sleep, when all i want it is some fucking peace and for people to take me for who i am, and generally of course, it's just pretty painful to think about a lot of these things.
Anyways, that's my Story.
My parents were both working class and divorced since i can remember. It was... not pretty.
One of my earliest memories is my dad being dragged out from our home by a squad of policemen he was attempting to fight of just a few minutes earlier.
My mom became a depressed, jobless do-nothing sleeping up to 16 hours a day and my dad an alcoholic. Also, both of them in debt and poor. What does poverty mean in this case? We did had a home, social security systems be blessed, but we didn't always had food, so i not-so-fondly remember having to ask neighbours at times if they had oven fries or some potatoes left to spare.
I was staying with my mom and occasionally visited my dad over the weekend which i pretty much always dreaded. On the best days me and my dad would just watch an endless cascade of pirated movies together with him occasionally trying to parent me by telling me that he'd beat the ever living shit out of me if i ever did drugs or other such things. High quality parenting.
On the worst of days, i could watch my dad strangle a dude over owing him money, or my dad having a destructive meltdown wrecking his home, usually about new warnings for not paying bills.
My mom was alright i guess, in the way that she usually didn't abuse me and just didn't do like, anything at all. She was just neglectful.
The biggest issue with hers was that she was, in fact, stealing from me. Because we were poor, she sometimes stole my things, such as the few non-pirated Videogames i had and took them to a pawn shop, where they would stay forever, which is, i guess, why i still have issues trusting people with my property, or her at all.
Since i was a tech obsessed kid i got my hands onto moms phone occasionally and saw these pretty messages he was leaving her when he was drunk, about how he wants to rape her dead and behead me. This then retroactively explained the sudden "Play Dates" my mom arranged with a classmates family that always had to be attented to immediately to the point she was hitting me if i didn't wanted to go. What i haven't said yet, my father is indeed a convicted murderer. Prior to my birth he was in jail for killing someone. And this is also very much related to the worst day i've ever had with my dad.
Let me explain the setup: I was staying over at my dads again, watching movies together i think.
A few weekends Prior to that, we did the same, and my mom had lend my dad money to afford lunch for me while i was staying over with him.
So we were watching movies, and my mom called me, explained that to me, and told me i should ask my dad if he could give me the money she lend him prior. This, did not went over well. My dad became incredibly ticked off as these words left my mouth, he began by crying(??), calling me a "traitor" and asked how i could do such a thing to him (??), then he went more and more angry. Planting his fist against things over and over again. I silently said that he is scaring me, and his response was to tell me to stfu and to sit down.
Then he went on an almost endless rant about me and my mom, where i also found out that i'm apparently not even his child because my mom became pregnant while he was in jail. So for that matter, i have never actually met my biological dad. I never told my mom about this, and i don't think she knows that i know, and i honestly don't plan on ever talking with her about that.
That was the last time i ever met my "dad". I pretty much broke off all contant since. This all happened up until i was ~12 or ~13 years old.
Why she still allowed or rather even forced me to visit my dad when he wrote about beheading me is beyond me, but then again neither of the two were exactly rational or intelligent people.
That's it for my parents, for now. More on that later.
While all of that happened, i was going to School as kids tend to do. Unfortunatly, my elementary school teacher was an evil bitch and i had behaviour Problems because of my parents, bad mix.
Admitetly, i did screw up at times, but my teacher was a wannabe nazi and loved to punish students.
Eventually, me and the teacher spiraled out of control and i was moved to a different "School" in 2nd or 3rd grade. A "School and therapeutic day care facility" for that matter. There i was diagnosed with an undisclosed psychosis and put on risperidone for the next few years. The time there was alright otherwise. After my therapy in that facility had ended i was moved to a new, okay School and finished elementary.
In between all these things i also once witnessed a women beating a dog to death with a hockey bat which isn't related to anything in particular but still traumatized me and shaped my world view strongly.
Qeue, middle/highschool (the german School system is hard to explain).
Probably broke a record somewhere by being thrown out of school entirely within a short 2 days.
Got into a fight with another studend, teacher entered, i kinda ended up fighting the teacher as well. You know how it is.
Then i was sent to a new school. Another therapeutic one, but not really.
It was a school made for people with troubled background such as myself.
There people tried to bully me, but since i wasn't one to put up with shit i got into a lot of fighs instead.
I won some, i lost some. sometimes i went home suspended from school, sometimes with a bloody nose. blablabla.
The bullying in the school was real fucking bad, but since i managed to earn some respect for myself by fighting back, people stopped bullying me quickly, but that didn't mean i didn't still got into fights. In regards to how bad the bullying was, one of my class"mates" there later on was permently suspended because he raped a childs face.
In the first 2 years on that School i
was pushed in front of a car (broken collarbone)
Got pushed down stairs (broken wrist)
Got my ankle broken in a fight.
Broke some noses and i think a wrist as well?
i pulled the Schools firealaram twice.
Jumped on a guy running away from me, resulting in us both breaking through a glass door (our arms were covered in shard-pellets after)
Did lots and lots of vandalism on school and out of school property.
I repeatedly hit my teacher. (Who was a POS and actively excused and encouraged bullying, i ain't feeling no guilt or shame about punching him).
Once spit him in the face.
Got into trouble with the police a few times.
Learned how to shoplift.
I think you get the gist. i was suspended a lot.
Eventually, i got into a fight, i think i talked about this in my first post ITT, where he drew a knife and i drew a knife and thankfully it didn't end as badly as this potentially could have. But because of that, i was suspended from that school as well, permanently.
So, between 7th and 8th grade, i literally did not went to school.
Eventually i was "approached" with an "idea", what this actually meant was more therapy i did not consent to, regardless of wether or not i wanted.
So most of my 8th grade was spent in an honest to god psychatry.
There i was put back on risperidone that i had stopped taking at some point and got prozac in addition.
I started out on an open Station, which meant you could leave the building at specific times (Not the entire complex-area tho, there were guards and fences and shit.) There i met my first girlfriend lisa who had hallucinations. Was a nice Girl tho.
Anyways, open station was okay, but there again i got into fights with staff and these fights usually ended with security guards pushing me to the ground, a doctor injecting sedatives into me and me then being locked away in a padded cell for the next few hours.
Eventually, it Kind of happened that i beat up the leader of the entire psychatry.
In response to that, i was moved to a closed station. That wasn't so pretty, doors were locked at all times, including our bedrooms at night, which essentially meant to me that this was a prison in pretty colors. One day was especially bad, becaue i, again, got into a fight, and as punishment, i was chained onto a fixbed the entire night.
Eventually i broke out of psychatry once (less thrilling than it sounds really), was moved back there and got it done to the point i was considered healed enough or some shit (Not like i know because no one ever told me anything) and allowed to return to school. I have lots of funny stories to tell from the psychatry like the time another patient mixed rat poison into my food, but i don't wanna bloat the post even further.
Anyways, returned back to school and had a decent time actually. My teacher Ms. Peters was a goddess and my classmates were alright. I mean, one of them shot a pregnant woman at some point, but they were nice to me, that's what mattered.
Finished that School and got into Highschool?college?Idk!
There i quickly met my BFF and we were almost inseperable for the next few years, talking daily in and out of Schools, playing vidya etc, was a great time.
Not so great was the new boyfriend my mom had. He was incredibly abusive as well, they were constantly fighting, almost daily, occasionally he beat her up, once he beat me up, in my own bedroom no less. Tried to get them to seperate but couldn't because my shit mom always returned back to him in a matter of days. Eventually i decided to not let them ruin my life any further and stayed out of their conflicts entirely.
But hey, there's always more than one way to ruin my life!
Close to the end of college, me and my BFF (who was a few years older than me because he went to the navy before going to college) were playing some vidya until 4 or what in the morning. Because of that, i decided to skip college that day, and so did he. Then i got a message from another classmate, telling me that my teacher is ranting about how he's going to make an example of me for skipping class so often. I and my BFF talked about this and that via chat for a while. Eventually he stopped responding and i didn't thought much of it and went on with my day.
The next day i came to college, and the same teacher that was supposedly ranting about me just one day earlier, approached me with a serious face "we need to talk" he said. So, shit in my pants, i thought, oh boy, now he's gonna do it! He told me to take the other classmates waiting in the classroom and bring them to the library. I was very confused at that point. Did he want to humiliate me in front of class???
So, we were there, all sitting in that little library, until the teacher came in with another guy i hadn't ever seen before (something called an "emotional Support teacher" as i later found out) and there they told us the worst news of my life, our classmate, my BFF, has died.
The entire room went silent, followed up with shocked questions. Apparently, he wasn't allowed to tell us, but he told us anyways, the cause was suicide. hanging, as i later found out from my BFF's parents. Eventually the questions turned silent, and we all began to cry. Then we stopped. Then we cried again. Then we went home. I cried again, but under the shower.
Immediately, i skipped 4 more days of college. Didn't even got a rant from the teacher for it, i guess he understood the situation.
Eventually, the parents gave us redacted copies of his goodbye letter where he had written lines for each and everyone of us, i still have my copy and i value it a lot, a lot, a lot. Towards the end of college we all completely stopped hanging out because of it, and never really talked with each other again.
Then i got a Job after a short time of joblessness, moved out and the rest i already talked about in here more or less.
Still don't have contact with my dad, the relationship between me and my mom is still disfunctional and i never met a friend like that again.
Not sure if anyone's actually gonna read through all of that, but if you do, thank you, it was carthatic to write it anyways.
To be honest, i generally dislike to talk about my past for plenty of reasons, some people would probably say i'm making this up, some would probably see me as a psycho about to murder them in their sleep, when all i want it is some fucking peace and for people to take me for who i am, and generally of course, it's just pretty painful to think about a lot of these things.
Anyways, that's my Story.
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